What is balance anyway?

The view from my desk as I work.

Somedays I just want to plunk them all in daycare or send them off to public school. Working with four kids underfoot is hard, chaotic, and I can never get things done “on time”. If they all went somewhere else for a while during the day, I could have hours of peace and quiet in which to work. I could make a cup of tea, light a candle, and work for hours without interruption. No one to complain about their sibling, ask for a snack, or complain about being bored (the dishwasher needs unloaded if you need something to do – cue a disappearing child). I could design so many more patterns, knit so many more sweaters, and have so much more “success”.

 But I don’t want that.

 I want Jimmy sitting next to me drawing in his special notebook that is identical to my design notebook. I want the girls on the guest bed next to my desk doing their crafts and making up silly jokes. I want Aiden excitedly handing me all the papers off my printer. I want them here every day even if it sometimes drives me crazy.  

Who could resist such a gorgeous sweater?

I want to have our lives deeply shared. I want my days full of my children. They are not a hinderance or bother. They aren’t preventing me from living my life or stifling my dreams. Rather they bring life and joy into my own life, and are quite literally, a dream come true.

 So I do my work with them underfoot. And on my lap, at my elbow. Destroying the room behind me. Sitting next to me with their own activity. Playing outside, inventing games, doing things they know they shouldn’t but they can because I’m busy and won’t notice.

 How do I manage to work with these kids all up in my business? Little tiny bit by little tiny bit while trying my best to wring little opportunities to work out of my day. I’ve written patterns standing at the kitchen counter with a sleeping baby strapped to my chest. I’ll pop up to my office and spend 15 minutes responding to emails until Aiden gets bored with it. Early in the morning and during naptime are my most precious times for working so I take full advantage of those hours.

Did you notice a certain young man’s bum in the pictures of the Birch neckline blogpost?

Occasionally (like right now) my husband will take the kids so I can work for a while undisturbed, but the majority of my work is done with the kids around. The work / life balance thing doesn’t really exist in my life. It’s just all one giant jumble where work and life happen together. Frankly, I like it like this. There is no home Jessica and work Jessica. There is just me working at two jobs (mom and knit designer) in whatever way works for that day; juggling various priorities and keeping most things going most days.

 I certainly don’t manage to “do it all”. Various things take their turns getting done and getting neglected, and I am at times completely overwhelmed and stressed out. But I keep going. I keep getting better at managing my time and learning what is actually a priority and what is a waste of time. My kids keep growing up and wanting less of me and more independence. Eventually they will be grown, and I will have all the time I want to work in my business. But for now, my life is one giant tangle of motherhood and work.

 And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Aiden watching his older siblings ride their bikes while he keeps me company in my office. Being the youngest can be such a drag sometimes.